Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Does this dress make me look cat?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?