Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Baller is short for ballerina
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.