@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

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@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

@Desert_Musings

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

@Bandersnaaatch

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

@LuvPug

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

@AboveAverageTom

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women.

Me: I wonder how many push ups a gorilla can do

@PJTLynch

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.