Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me: You into role playing?
Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?
Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.