@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

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@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@thatUPSdude

[first date]

Me: You into role playing?

Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?

Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.