hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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this is why i’m friendless
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women.
Me: I wonder how many push ups a gorilla can do
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.