Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
When your man makes a valid point
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
scared to check what name she chose
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.