Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You Might Also Like
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!