Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”