Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.