scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
That’s not how days work.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
🤣🤣💀
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.