Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.