scrabbled eggs

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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play


You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears


To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.


So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.


Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.


I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”


I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.