If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.
I know that now.
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]