[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.