@pittdave13

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

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@mack44_d

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

@necrosocks

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

@carbsley

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

@TheHatStore

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@momsense_ensues

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)