*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.