Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night