BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
Not too much haha you?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.
Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.