@SlenderSwab

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

You Might Also Like

@CallousBalzac

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@RobbyActually

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@ComedicBust

GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.

Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]

@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.