@justokpanda

[screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@lecalabara

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

@tigersgoroooar

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

@KeetPotato

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@Sickayduh

“Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead.”
“Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?”

@scorpiusryan21

Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time