By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The game has officially changed 😎
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
when you don’t want to be too vague
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.