*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name