[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Sounds like a bargain
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison