[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????