Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Rude much 😂😂😂

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home