@Lola_Areola
Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again
@XtinaNovakovic
SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
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@Lola_Areola
@Emonalisha
Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either
@shawnspree
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
*sighs
*kicks can
@shanethevein
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
@GrowlyGrego
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
@charliedelta7
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%
@KalvinMacleod
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
@AKcrazy18
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
@MazMEDEA
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
