Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again
SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
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Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’