@TheHomieJesus If Europe uses euros shouldn’t Africa use Afros?
@XtinaNovakovic SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
You Might Also Like
@TheHomieJesus 
@pilau Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
@Tups13 Why are they called library fines and not hush money?
@iamburtjarvis [during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
@JermHimselfish I always keep an old key and a map with random X’s all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.
@UncleDuke1969 Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
@fillthevacuum Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
@pplwtching Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
@VioricaMarian1 I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
@AndyAsAdjective “Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.