[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS