Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?”
“Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”
Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team