@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

@TheThomason

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

@GrantTanaka

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

@stevevsninjas

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@OnlyFastEddie

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

@KKAlThani

“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?”

“Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team