screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine đ
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: âtite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
Iâve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Seems legit
Welcome to your 40âs. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside Iâm going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Lmao
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: thatâs not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? âŁ
âŁ
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play DohâŁ
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: Iâm right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: Thatâs not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesnât, doug
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally donât touch anything
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.