Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.