@UncleDuke1969

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

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@AlexvanBeek

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

@RunOldMan

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

@utofellatio

[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*

@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

@Darlainky

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!