*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

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[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.


Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?


We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.


[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*


[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”



*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?


Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!