[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there