Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”