“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.


Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.


It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.


I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.


[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby


Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.


Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving