My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes