@EyeSeeYou619

“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

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@MooseAllain

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

@_Water_Baby

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@TheBoydP

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

@Shanehasabeard

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving