Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Love is in the air fryer.