Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
barbara was highly relatable
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target