This is my emotional support knife.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me trying to “trust the process”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
when you are just born a rebel
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
for all #parents out there