Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.
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“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Bro do you even–
Bro I do.
*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!