kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.