@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.

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@Fred_Delicious

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

@yungsweater

Bro do you even–

Bro I do.

*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*

@3sunzzz

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

@jordan_stratton

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

@Quartzjixler

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@ArfMeasures

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!