This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god