Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)