@JohnLyonTweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

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@GrandadJFreeman

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@Papa_Mex

I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food

@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@PatsATweetin

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.