@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

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@TheAlexNevil

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

@WheelTod

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

@3dog101

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

@sofarrsogud

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@JediGigi

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

@Tw1tter_K1tten

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.