Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.