Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.


When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.


I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir


My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread


Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.