Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

[shakes fist at other fist]

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.