[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
You Might Also Like
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
🏙👨🏼
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!