Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
hi why am I like this
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Snapes on a plane.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.