@dbs_tweets

scrolling through my own 2019 instagrams

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@Dawn_M_

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

@TheWidowmakerX

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

@JimmerThatisAll

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@living_marble

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.