Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
two people or more is called a problem
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!