scrolling through my own 2019 instagrams

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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.


‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’


I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.


friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!


The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.


You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.


(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.