Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it