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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!