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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?