I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes