@vangobot

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

You Might Also Like

@DiamondLou69

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

@rickygervais

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@geekysteven

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

@SirEviscerate

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

@T_Bonezzz_

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

@chuuew

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

@UnfilteredMama

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.