Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
The rest of the human race
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.