scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus


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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.


Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?


[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.


Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”


Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.


You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.


[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks


[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]