scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
why am I working on Labor Day
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.