@IndecisiveJones

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

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@sixfootcandy

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

@AimeeHelene1

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

@copymama

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

@eddiesteadyno

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@trumpetcake

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@pan_duh

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

@dshack8

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.