scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus


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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*


*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*


Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.


Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.


My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.


I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.


Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.


Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.


50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.