Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth

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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


One of my son’s classmates saw me on camera and asked if I was Snow White so yes I’d say my tan has faded


5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.


Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.


Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?


The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.


Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad


Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!