It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?
Me: Junetober Eleventeenth
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
One of my son’s classmates saw me on camera and asked if I was Snow White so yes I’d say my tan has faded
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!