Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now