scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh